Pluses and Minuses

You know that saying “There is never a perfect time to have a baby”? That is what ran through my head as I stood in the bathroom staring at that stick waiting for a plus or a minus to appear. I could not think of a worse time for me to find out I was pregnant...you know with Husband deploying and all. This was the first pregnancy test I have taken in 10 years where I was like please, Please, PLEASE don’t be positive. Babies. It is no secret how badly I would like to have a child. Yet no babies for me. It is not for lack of trying…believe me I have tried. I tried for years with that other guy I was married to. A woman has roughly 36 hours a month in which to get pregnant. The timing has to be pretty spot on. I was married to a guy who traveled for business and averaged only 64 days a year at home…none of which happen to be while I was ovulating. But I persisted until after two years of trying he told me he did not want kids. He told me this over the phone at 2 am while I was away on business. There is a reason I am not married to this guy anymore. Jerk. It was during that time that I became the friend that my girlfriends did not want to tell that they were pregnant. They would allude to it and give subtle clues until I would flat out ask if they were pregnant. They would then gush that yes they were, how happy they were, and that they weren’t trying to keep it from me they just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Blah…whatever. I am genuinely happy when I find out a girlfriend is pregnant, really I am. I might be saying ‘stupid fertile bitches’ but what I really mean is ‘I am soooooo happy for you’. I am going to be 35 this year, and while Husband thinks we have all the time in the world, let’s face it I am not getting any younger. He does want to have kids though. He wants to be there for every part of the pregnancy, birth, and those first few months. If it turned out I was pregnant now he would miss all that. But like all those other tests taken in the past, this one came back negative. I walked out of the bathroom, gave Husband the thumbs down with a wink and a smile, and went on about my business. Even though I was relieved that the test came back negative, there is still a tiny part of me that wanted to see a plus sign.