just checking in

We are half way through the month of January and I thought I might as well update the ol’ blog. You know before my mom gets on my case about how I haven’t updated in a while and she thought I was going to write about our little trip to Oregon and so forth. (The Oregon post is coming…maybe tomorrow…with pictures and everything.) It is not that I don’t have anything to write about (sorta) it is just that I have not felt like writing. Maybe because I am too busy feeling sorry for myself. Well maybe feeling sorry for myself isn’t the right way to put it. Maybe a better way to put it is that I am full of selfish emotions. I guess that is kinda the same thing. I can’t really put into words the way I am feeling. I feel full of rage, yet empty and sad at the same time. I run through the gamut of emotions several times a day. They come and go so quickly that I don’t really deal with them, they aren’t complete emotions. I am all tied up in knots. So what has me all frazzled? One word…Deployment. Husband’s. We have known for a while that he would be deploying. It’s not like we got a phone call saying “SURPRISE!!! You’re deploying”. But we had dates and we had a mindset for those dates. Then a few days before Christmas Husband finds out that that date has been moved up (okay so I guess it is kinda like SURPRISE!!! You’re deploying”) and all of a sudden we are on fast forward. There is so much we have to do and take care of and get in order in a much shorter amount of time. Although I know it is happening the reality has yet to hit me. It creeps up behind me, taps me on the shoulder, and then runs away before I can turn around. Whenever we talk about serious things like getting a will in order I get all deer in the headlights and my brain makes that robot-y shut down noise. Once it starts back up I start to think about all the things he will miss out on. Birthdays, his brother’s wedding, our first anniversary, Christmas…you know all the things we should be celebrating together. I am pretty selfish about my time with Husband and it is killing me that he is going to be gone for such an extended period of time. Okay need to wrap this up because I am starting to get weepy and I don’t feel like dealing with that right now. I just want to say that I am very proud of my husband.